Being a Supportive Friend

Have you ever tried to be helpful and ended up just making things worse? If someone you know is having a problem and that person trusts you enough to share, there are ways to respond that are helpful and supportive, while other responses can create additional stress and obstacles in the relationship.

Often, a person in pain just wants to be heard. But instead of listening, we sometimes say things that can make that person feel defensive, angry or just plain worse. Here are a few of the biggest mistakes people make when a friend needs support:

• Dismissing or minimizing the importance of the problem
  “That’s nothing to be upset over.” “That doesn’t mean anything.” “So she said you were fat. Big deal!”
• Making excuses for the other person’s hurtful behavior
  “She didn’t mean it.” “He didn’t know what he was saying.” “She must be having a bad day.” “Well, you know, her parents are going through a divorce.”
• Denying what the person is feeling or the reality of the experience
  “Oh, you don’t really feel that way.” “That teacher is not out to get you.” “You shouldn’t hate your parents.”
• Distracting the person from the problematic situation
  “But you’re so good in your other classes.” “Things could be worse.” “You’re lucky you have a car.” “You think you’ve got problems. Let me tell you about my problems.” “But his sister is so nice.”
• Medicating—using some type of substance or activity to distract the person from his or her feelings
  “Hey, why don’t we smoke this joint so you can forget about it?” “Boy, it sounds like you could use some ice cream right now.” “Why don’t you just watch TV or get lost in your video games for a while?” “Let’s grab a cigarette.”
• Attacking or shaming the person for having the feelings
  “I told you this would happen!” “Don’t be such a baby.” “You’re just too sensitive.” “How could you be so stupid!”
• Blaming the problem on the person who has the problem
  “What did you do to her?” “Well, if you had just listened to me in the first place!” “You know how touchy she is.” “That’s what happens when you don’t check your email.” “You got what you deserve.”
• Challenging the person to explain or defend his or her feelings
  “Why does that bother you?” “Why would you be upset about that?”
• Projecting how you think you would feel about the same problem
  “Well I never had a problem with him.” “That wouldn’t bother me.” “Well, I would have thought that was funny.”
• Rescuing the person by taking responsibility for the problem
  “I’ll ask her out for you.” “OK. You can copy my homework.” “Look, I’ll talk to him about it. I’m sure I can get him to see your point of view.”
• Advising the person how he or she should handle it*
  “Tell her how you feel.” “You know if you cut your hair and lost five pounds you wouldn’t feel that way.” “Just ignore her.”

* Giving advice imposes your values and priorities on the others, presumes that they can’t figure out what they need to do and may actually compound the problem if your advice ends up being wrong! Even if your friends ask you for advice, it’s probably more helpful to just listen, accept what they’re feeling without judging them or asking them to defend why they’re having those feelings, and maybe even affirm what they’re experiencing or what they’ve shared: “Of course you’re upset about that.” “You really weren’t expecting that, were you?” “Boy, breaking up can be so painful.”

Questions to think about

Has anyone ever used any of these statements with you? If so, how did you feel when they responded in that way?

Do you see one or two that you use frequently? If so, which ones?

Which ones bug you the most? Why?

Some Alternatives for Supporting Your Friends

When someone trusts you enough to share his or her feelings with you, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• It’s OK for others to have feelings without explaining or defending them.
• Different people respond to situations in different ways, and with different feelings. Just because something wouldn’t bother you doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t bother others or that their reactions or feelings are wrong.
• Feelings are not behaviors. Feelings are never right or wrong, but behaviors that hurt other people are not OK.
• It’s OK to express feelings as long as doing so does not hurt anyone or create problems for others.
• We are all distinct, separate individuals. It is not necessary to “own” someone’s feelings (adopt the same feelings or feel their feelings for them) or problems to show that person that you care.
• You are not responsible for changing or controlling the feelings of another person, no matter how much you care for him or her. It’s not necessary—nor is it particularly supportive—to “cheer people up” when they are upset. It’s more loving and supportive to communicate that the other person’s feelings are heard, respected, and taken seriously—even when you don’t understand why the person is upset.
• People learn to deal with feelings more effectively when they don’t have to “stuff” or hide them around a critical, guilt-ridden, or over-reacting friend.

Stories about friendship, cliques and betrayal.

Resources dealing with friendship, cliques and betrayal.

Got a story? Tell us. Click here to find out how.

Click here to order a copy of this book.

Main Tips & Facts directory & links
Other tips and facts: The Reality | Image & Identity | Friendship & Belonging | Sex, Sexuality & Dating | Violence & Safety | Body & Health | Coping & Change | Responsibilities & Pressures | Parents & Teachers | Lifelines & Goals | Purpose & Perspective

Scholarship available • View our Privacy Policy