Finding a Safe Adult

Of all the factors necessary for a student to succeed in high school, none has been proven to be more important then having at least one adult who is there for you and supports you unconditionally. Some kids are fortunate enough to have parents, extended family members, teachers, clergy or other adults in their lives that they can turn to for support and guidance. However, many students do not have safe and supportive adults in their lives.

Hundreds of books have been authored on how to best help teens succeed in school and in life, and yet the most important factor seems to be having at least one adult in your life you can count on for support no matter what. If you have not already found a supportive adult, here’s how to seek one out.

So what does a safe adult look like and how do I go about finding one?

The good news is that there are many adults who are willing and able to support you as you move through your high school years. It does take some effort on your part to identify these adults and to connect with them.

Here are some of the characteristics of safe adults:

1. Safe adults tend to lead balanced lives. They are not always in a state of crisis.
2. Safe adults are consistent. Although they, like all of us, have good and bad days, they do not listen to you patiently one moment and then yell at you the next.
3. Safe adults do not make you feel uncomfortable. They are not sexually or emotionally inappropriate with you.
4. Safe adults are not looking to be seen as cool by teens. They understand that they are adults and are not looking to be a part of your peer group.
5. Safe adults can clearly tell you that they do not like something that you may have done while still letting you know that they like you as a person.
6. Safe adults do not always tell you what you should do. They give you choices and help you think through the possible consequences of each choice.
7. Safe adults do not gossip or bad mouth others. Here is a good rule of thumb. If a person tells you secrets about others or really says a lot of bad things about them to you. There is a very good change that they will also talk about you in this way to others.
8. Safe adults are also human. They do not always know the answer to a particular question and they honestly admit when they do not know. They make mistakes like the rest of us and it is important not to put anyone on too high of a pedestal.

How to find safe adults:

1. Talk to adults. Safe adults are not likely to just come looking for you. You will need to interact with a number of adults in order to determine which ones you feel comfortable with.
2. Ask the adults if they are willing to listen to you when you have questions or problems. Ask when it would be ok to call, or stop into their office or email them. Ask them to clarify their boundaries: Can you call them at home or at work or after 10 P.M.? What is an emergency and what can wait until tomorrow
3. Start by sharing little things about yourself and see how the adult reacts. Do not just sit down and tell all of your deepest secrets and fears the first time you chat.
4. Don’t fall into the trap of looking for the “cool” teacher, neighbor etc. Many safe adults are more laid back and are not looking to be the center of attention.
5. Listen to your instincts. Just as you can tell which teachers really care about kids and which ones are counting the days until they retire, if you focus you can get a good feel for which adults are sincere and which really are not to be counted upon.

Build a network of safe adults

According to research by the Search Institute in Minneapolis, teens need at least three adults in their lives (besides their parents) who they can go to for advice and support.
—Rebecca Greene

From Rebecca Greene, The Teenagers Guide to School Outside the Box (Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, 2001), 64.

More tips for dealing with the adults in your life.

Building (or regaining) your parents’ trust.

Stories about dealing with adults.

Resources for dealing with adults.

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